Good News, Bad News

Just when we were loosing all hope in life the Braves pulled up a major upset. The defending world series champion Cardinals came into today thinking they were unbeatable. "I bet they can't hit my fastball!" Cardinals starter Mike Maroth bragged before the game. "It's hitting 85 even 86 on the [radar] gun." That kind of speed is just unheard of in today's age of control pitching and gyroballers.

The Braves only hope was their star First Baseman, who after a bout with insanity, rejoined the team Thursday. "It's great to be back. When I was in the mental hospital at Shea i thought my career was in a death spiral." The youthful Franco said. Despite the maximum security status of Shea, Franco was able to escape when Manager Minaya accidentally left the seat of his gold toilet up. "It was a tight squeeze but I made it." Franco said of his escape.

When Franco started the game today it was the first time in over a year and a half that he had been seen out of his orange and blue jumpsuit since his incarceration. His first at bat ended poorly when he grounded out. Fortunately, some of the even younger players had already helped him out with putting runs on the board. In the first A. Jones homered to drive in his partner in crime C. Jones. The Jones boys are known for theft and assault, with a deadly tree limb or cannon being their weapon of choice. In the second, a future all star named Diaz hit another HR to put the Braves out to a meager 2 run lead.

The third found Julio up with 2 in, 2 on, and 2 out. Maroth, promptly wet himself at the imposing visage of Franco and promptly offered him a free ride to first. "He was just so big up there, ya know?" Maroth said later "You could see it in his eyes that he was just going to bunt anything I was going to throw for a home run."

Back at bat in the fourth, with only an 8 run lead, Franco was called upon to drive in both runner on base ahead of him. Francoeur, a frenchman of unknown origin, and the same Diaz who had homered in front of Franco in the 2nd. Wasting no time Franco singled with authority to drive both in. Francoeur later described the scene in his heavy French accent. "Maroth was like huh huh huh, you can not hit my pitch! And Franco was like, you can not pitch to me you silly American, I will hit it to the Eiffel tower!"

Franco, the obvious pick for game and now season MVP, has another chance for a home run in the pitcher, Russ Springer, used his mind to force Franco's solidly hit ball to the ground at his feet. "It was like that Jedi guy, you know, Old Bean One Canofbeans." Catcher Jarrod Saltyalamaccccchisciaqlacia said. "You gotta be careful when hitting against fictional characters."

Braves 10, Cardinals 1

W: T. Hudson (10-5)
L: M. Maroth (0-3)

HR: A. Jones (19), M. Diaz (5)

Notes: J Saltalamacchia was removed from the game after it was realized that no-one could pronounce, let alone spell, his name. He was replaced by Brian McCann, who's name we could spell... Jeff Francoeur left the game during the bottom of the 8th for a cigarette and expresso and hasn't been seen since... Today's pitcher, Tim Hudson, recently started a rival website to Kevin Youkilis's site www.ihaveagiantassbeard.org. Hudson's site discusses the benefits of small amounts of facial hair. It can be found at www.shutthehellupYouk.net... Julio Franco tuns 103 tomorrow... Brian McCann refused to play in Thursday's game due to the fact he was afraid "all of my shiny little clones are out to get me."... Man i'm hungry... Willy Aybar was spotted on a New York street corner giving handjobs to passers by for "crack or crack money"... Scott Thorman was asked to try out for "Who Wants to be a Superhero?". Initially excited at the prospect of being his idol Thor, he quickly refused when he was told that his secret identity was that of a major league caliber first baseman... Chris Woodward has been cast as the schizophrenic woodchuck in an upcoming Pixar film. He will spend the rest of the season learning how to chuck wood on the bench.